The not-so-terrible but really rather-fucking-awful two’s

I think someone’s replaced my toddler with a Gremlin and not told me.

‘N’s had a few time out’s this morning, he’s been in a bit of a pickle’. Nursery language for ‘your son was an utter shit bag today’. Joyful. Please tell me more of how awful my child has been at pick up in front of the other fabulous parents, PLEASE. I don’t know what’s got into him lately at all. He is suddenly crying/tantruming/moaning all day everyday and has started hitting everything in sight when the slightest thing inconveniences him. Oh and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I’ve always been against the idea of smacking children, just because I don’t see how I can smack N as punishment for smacking me. He is totally the kind of child that would not get that message and we’d end up in a WWE smackdown before one of us caved. I’m currently taking him aside and saying to him ‘No, we don’t hit do we? It’s not nice. Now say sorry and we can play’. This is usually received with either another smack for me or a tantrum. But I’m holding out on the idea that one day he’ll miraculously listen to me and this horrendous phase will be over.

He also seems to completely lose his head when the smallest bit of excitement comes his way. A group of 2 + children? The rules are forgotten and he turns feral. Why do they do it? I feel like I can’t let him around other children without standing by his side the entire time to jump in before someone inevitably gets whacked. I’m running out of excuses as to why we can’t attend play dates. This weekend I’m on an imaginary trip to Centre Parcs to get us out of a birthday party. Nursery have said they can’t wait to see the pictures so looks like J will have to get on Photoshop a bit sharpish. Still not shocked at the lengths I will go to avoid other mummy’s.

Everyone keeps telling me ‘it’s a phase’ but it’s a phase I’m completely done with thank you!!!

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