Shopping used to be such a relaxing activity. A mooch round the shops then a coffee, another mooch then lunch. Now I fear the shops. I will ration me and J so I don’t have to go. How long can humans survive on solely water? Like 2 weeks right?

So firstly you have to decide whether you’re going to take him in the pram and try to buy as little as possible so you can balance it on top of the carry cot, or if you’re going to use one of those horrific baby trolleys. I went out to Aldi today with N and had to give in and put him in a trolley. I had loads to get so pushing him and holding a basket was out of the question. We leave the house, he’s fine, he’s just been fed and I’m praying he goes to sleep in the car. He doesn’t. We arrive and I park in a kiddie space (love that) and venture off to the hell hole that is the trolley shed. Of course the baby trolleys are about 30 deep meaning you have to shimmy down the middle of the trolley aisle and try to retrieve one. Today, as of most days, someone came to my rescue and helped me manoeuvre one out. Obviously it had a dodgy wheel but I pressed on. I was determined.

N is in the crappy plastic seat. I haven’t attempted to put the straps round him because honestly they’re a nightmare. We head for the doors and it starts. I don’t know what it is with Aldi car parks but they seem to of been levelled off with a cheese grater. The bumps start pissing N off and he’s already grizzly. You have 2 options here; go back to the car, go home and order online, or, run into the store, do your shopping as quickly as possible and hope for the best. I chose the latter.

I looked like a contestant on Dales Supermarket Sweep. I crashed around Aldi like a bat out of hell, not even giving N the chance to cry. I grab the minimum amount of groceries to keep me and J alive for the week and we hit the queues. Another gripe about Aldi; why are their aisles so narrow? You can’t go 2 trolleys deep without getting wedged and the place is full of old people who can’t hear you saying ‘excuse me please’.

N kicks off. I’m thinking its OK, just got to pay and we’ll be in the sanctuary of our car where he can scream as much as he likes. Of course not! First, you have to battle with the cashier who is scanning your shopping like it’s on bloody fire. Secondly,  you have to go to that little shelf by the windows and THEN pack your shopping away. Don’t you dare do it at the till. Lastly, In my Aldi you have to queue at a computer screen and enter your registration number to prove you were actually shopping.

I panicked. I threw my shopping into the trolley, paid and ran out. Now, I not only have some considerably bruised fruit and a cracked bottle of ketchup, I have a hefty fine on the way for not registering my parking.

Joy upon Joy’s.