Mum of the year

Today my mum fails hit a new low.

I took N and H to the park and as soon as we arrived, H woke from his nap. This meant I had to leave N with full, unsupervised run of the park whilst I sat on the bench and fed H. This is already filling me with absolute horror as I won’t be able to intervene in time if N decides to be a twat. But, to my delight he is just running around merrily entertaining himself. RESULT.

After about 10 minutes I look at him and he’s just being adorable and sticking what looks like a piece of blossom to his face, running around until it falls off then starting again. He looks so cute and contented and I’m just feeling super smug about how fabulous he’s being. The sun is shining, the boys are happy and for once an outing is going to plan. Someone start buffing up my award please.

I’m getting a few funny looks from the other mum’s at the park and I’m putting it down to me letting N run about with potentially a leaf stuck to his face but I think it’s cute and don’t mind him getting dirty or anything. *Mentally tutting at all the mums who don’t let their kids get messy outside.* After about 25 minutes I decide it’s time to carry on walking and call N in to leave. Obviously this falls on deaf ears so I start the game of catch the wriggly toddler.

I finally manage to grab him and steer him towards the pram when I realise it isn’t a piece of blossom stuck to his head at all. It’s a teeny tiny baggy for drugs. Yep, for half an hour N has been sticking an empty bag of  DRUGS to his FACE and I’ve been watching on feeling like I really had my shit together.

False alarm, I’m still a shit show. Call social services. I’m done.


The not-so-terrible but really rather-fucking-awful two’s

I think someone’s replaced my toddler with a Gremlin and not told me.

‘N’s had a few time out’s this morning, he’s been in a bit of a pickle’. Nursery language for ‘your son was an utter shit bag today’. Joyful. Please tell me more of how awful my child has been at pick up in front of the other fabulous parents, PLEASE. I don’t know what’s got into him lately at all. He is suddenly crying/tantruming/moaning all day everyday and has started hitting everything in sight when the slightest thing inconveniences him. Oh and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I’ve always been against the idea of smacking children, just because I don’t see how I can smack N as punishment for smacking me. He is totally the kind of child that would not get that message and we’d end up in a WWE smackdown before one of us caved. I’m currently taking him aside and saying to him ‘No, we don’t hit do we? It’s not nice. Now say sorry and we can play’. This is usually received with either another smack for me or a tantrum. But I’m holding out on the idea that one day he’ll miraculously listen to me and this horrendous phase will be over.

He also seems to completely lose his head when the smallest bit of excitement comes his way. A group of 2 + children? The rules are forgotten and he turns feral. Why do they do it? I feel like I can’t let him around other children without standing by his side the entire time to jump in before someone inevitably gets whacked. I’m running out of excuses as to why we can’t attend play dates. This weekend I’m on an imaginary trip to Centre Parcs to get us out of a birthday party. Nursery have said they can’t wait to see the pictures so looks like J will have to get on Photoshop a bit sharpish. Still not shocked at the lengths I will go to avoid other mummy’s.

Everyone keeps telling me ‘it’s a phase’ but it’s a phase I’m completely done with thank you!!!

Pro’s and lots of Con’s

I thought I’d put together a list of thing’s to expect from having 2 small children. A pro’s and con’s if you like. 

Shit things:

You will never wash again. Not exaggerating, I absolutely stink.

You will never sleep again. ‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ is now not an option and your toddler will probably choose the birth of their sibling as the perfect time to become nocturnal.

You will be skint all the time. Double the nappies, double the wipes, double the clothes, double the food and double the bloody nursery fees!!!

You can never find a babysitter because honestly who’s crazy enough to look after both your kids at the same time. I’m their mum and I barely manage. Date night is currently an Asda pizza and GBBO on iPlayer (usually interrupted by a crying child).

People will just assume you have your shit together. ‘Soft play date?’ Abso-fucking-lutely not.  I can’t drag my baby into the hell of the main frame when my toddler is stuck/crying/being a dick and I couldn’t possibly leave the baby in his pram or be pounced upon my the mum army for leaving him out of sight. Just invite me round to your house for a coffee and I’ll apologise profusely for the mess we all make.

They will inevitably both lose their shit at the same time, probably in public. Fight your battles, carry snacks at all times and maybe just never leave your house again.

If you’re like me, you will at some point forget you have had another child and leave them in the car/in the house/in their pram at the park. Trust me it happens and you’ll feel like a complete failure. It still happens now at 6 months but I’ve learnt to laugh and hope no one calls social services.

Good things:

Sometimes they nap at the same time and you get to eat something.

2 babies make for adorable pictures. My Instagram looks fab.


My little ginger H

H is now 6 months old and thank the lord he is a complete angel. He is super chilled out, super easy and rarely has a scream. HURRAH! I knew I had a good one coming my way eventually.

When we first discovered I was pregnant, N was 7 months old and I completely lost my mind at the news. How the HELL was I having another baby! I felt like I was only just getting into the swing of things with N and now I was going to have another one to cope with.I ended up going back to work for 3 months before leaving for maternity leave again (my boss LOVED that…) and he arrived 1 day late weighing in at 9.5 pounds. I won’t go too much into the birth as I want to do a separate labour post. When N first met him he was over-tired from staying at nanny’s whilst I was in the hospital and really didn’t acknowledge he existed. He is now completely besotted with him like a love sick teenager and sometimes it actually feels like my heart could burst watching them. Did I mention having another baby so soon turns you into an emotional wreck 24/7? Don’t get me wrong, there is times I find N smothering H with a pillow or generally kicking/pushing/licking him but all in all I think it’s going pretty well.

I’m breastfeeding H, which I didn’t do with N and I must say it is the BEST decision I ever made. I would encourage anyone thinking about it to give it a try and persevere through the tough first days. Again, I’m planning a separate post about BF’ing so I’ll leave it at that.

There are times I completely lose my shit because they both need me and I can’t do everything at once. I lose it at J at least once daily because I’m exhausted and I’ve had to make a lot of compromises when it comes to raising N. Quavers for breakfast is totally OK, right? But I wouldn’t change it for the world. Seeing 2 humans you created giggle at each other and have a cuddle makes every second of stress worth it 2 fold.



I’m Back!!!


So after writing on this blog for a while, life got in the way and essentially I stopped writing.. oh and got pregnant again. Yes you heard correctly, I enjoyed getting ripped in half so much the first time I decided to have another! Only joking.. there was no decision making involved and more of a lack of commitment to contraception.

I now have 2 baby boys, both under the age of 2. N is currently 22 months and H is 6 months! That means lots more insights of mum life, lots more shit hitting the fan and hopefully a lot more to post about!




The cover picture for this post is literally me at mealtimes

It’s official. N is eating food! Things just got a WHOLE lot messier and smellier in our house. I learnt the other day we have actually adopted the ‘baby led’ weaning technique (letting them pick up their food and figure out how to eat it). Apparently this is actually a thing and not just me being lazy, who knew? It’s going pretty well so far, no choking yet  and letting them feed themselves seems so much easier then making & storing purees.

A few top tips and things to know when weaning:


  • Rusks and Weetabix dry into a substance stronger than cement.
  • The straps on a highchair are made of ridiculous material that turns a horrible brown colour after a few uses and coatings of baby puke. Don’t bother trying to keep them nice.
  • People will try and feed your baby anything ( literally – beer, sweets, icecreams) if you don’t want them to, put your foot down!
  • They make spoons for weaning (this sounds so obvious but I didn’t know this and used a standard baby spoon which was too rigid and big). Home Bargains do them cheap.
  • They don’t eat a lot at first but don’t worry, soon they’ll be cramming it down faster than a pregnant lady at a buffet. I speak from experience.
  • You’ll probably have to up their daily washes. N currently has 2 full baths a day and I still find food in his ears at bed time.
  • Invest in a few of those full T-shirt bibs, they were a gift from God I’m sure.
  • Be prepared for some funky looking poop.

Another great thing I’ve discovered whilst weaning is the Ellas Kitchen melty puffs. I wanted to stay away from the mushy foods and needed something to take out and about in a rush. These are essentially baby friendly Wotsits made from veggies and N loves them! They dissolve as baby eats them so no choking worries and are a great size whilst their learning to grab things. They also taste good (I’ve nicked a few) and for around 70p a bag their budget friendly too. Definitely recommend!




Everything smells…

First of all, apologies for not posting in a while. N has been suffering with puking literally all day non-stop. It’s an absolute nightmare. It’s not even just milk sick, it’s gross curdled sick that’s so thick he chokes on it. 5 trips to the doctor later and we still have no diagnosis as he’s putting on weight fine. What do you do when the professionals say everything’s OK but your house smells like there’s a Mcdonalds milkshake festering away under the bed? Panic and buy everything possible to help it stop. We’ve switched his formula brand, were forcing Gaviscon down him at every opportunity and getting through Colief like it doesn’t cost ELEVEN POUNDS a bottle ( the bottle is the size of my thumb). By the time we figure out what’s wrong he’ll be moving out..

On a lighter note, we had a baby date last night. Our friends had a little girl exactly a month before N and we piled round to theirs,  as that’s just what you do when you both have babies. Now, it’s not that I don’t like seeing them but they make me look like such a bad mother (it doesn’t take much). She breastfeeds, she swaddles, she slings, she uses reusable nappies and god forbid you offer her a baby wipe. She was a nanny before she went on maternity leave so I like to think she had a head start with the whole kid rearing process. We’ve been messaging for a while and by the sounds of it, her baby is like N.. She won’t take a dummy and get’s bored of things easily. Hurrah, someone in the same boat as me! This could not be further than the truth. We get there and N’s just woke up so he’s being pretty cute. Lots of babbling, smiles and happily entertaining himself with toys. Eventually the 30 minutes he can stand outside our house is up and the winging begins. Meanwhile, her baby is being absolutely perfect and her version of a ‘cry’ can best be described as a mild squeak. I hate her. I feed him again and he immediately vomits all over their floor. 5 minutes later he vomits on their sofa and 5 after that he pukes all over their baby’s Jumperoo. I am mortified. 1 because he’s staining their furniture but more because I can’t stop it and when they ask me what’s up with him I just look at them blankly and say ‘the doctor said he’s fine’. Being a mum with a fussy baby is hard but having friends with babies who are absolute delight’s makes it 1000% worse.

I feel they should organise baby groups for tricky babies so you can all just sit and wollow in your self pity whilst they scream. Anyone know any?