The Labour…..

Let me just start by saying labour was the most painful experience I have ever had. I thought I was going to die BUT looking back on it, it was definitely the best and most rewarding experience too.

So as you may know I had done no preparation whatsoever for my labour. Well actually I did watch Sam Faiers Mummy diaries but really, I had no idea what was going to happen. I knew afterwards I’d have a baby but to get him here? I was stumped. My contractions started at 12pm sunday afternoon. They were just like period pains that would come every 20 minutes. They were bearable and I didn’t really think anything of it. Now I think about it, I knew I was going into labour but I didn’t want to admit it to anyone. I went round my mum’s with J and had a roast dinner on the Sunday night and my parents both assumed I had Braxton Hicks. Woah they were wrong!!

I woke up 3am the Monday morning and they were too painful to sleep through. I got out of bed and pitched myself up in the living room. The pains were now coming every 5 minutes and were making me double over and I had to breathe through them. I eventually woke J up and told him he wasn’t going to work in the morning. The next few hours were spent bent over the arm of my sofa whinging and crapping myself (mentally, thank god) about what was going to happen. By 7am I thought I was ready to go in to hospital. We’d rang the midwife unit twice and were told I was probably in early labour, no need to come in yet. I was certain I needed to go so we headed off.

We waited over an hour to be seen in the hospital. The whole time I threw myself round the delivery suite crying to see someone as soon as possible. The midwife eventually came in, examined me and said I was 1-2cm. WHAT? All this pain for a poxy 2cm? I was furious. The midwife gave me some oral morphine and sent me home. We grabbed a Greggs on the way home which just shows how not in labour I was!

When we got back, J stuck a film on and we got comfy on the sofa. The morphine made me drowsy but as soon as I drifted off a contraction would come. They were now every 2/3 minutes. This continued for a few hours and I went between pacing, bathing and bouncing on my yoga ball. We managed to watch 2 films (Gone Girl was an excellent choice as I threatened J with it if he ever touched me again) before things got bad. The pains had gradually worsened throughout the day but around 1pm they were horrific. The pain is undescribable. It took over my entire body and all I could do was lean on something, breathe and grunt until it was over. I couldn’t see or hear when I got one, it consumed me entirely. I told J to leave me to get on with it and spent the next 3 hours pacing up and down our hall way until I thought I was on the brink of death. I didn’t want to go back to the hospital too early in case we got sent away again, I don’t think I could of handled being turned away for a second time. I made it to 3.30pm and told J we needed to go. He half heartedly started packing things up and I felt something inside me shift. I screamed and told J something had happened. He whipped my leggings down and saw my waters had broke. It’s a strange feeling, like something inside you has just popped and you’ve wet yourself. J instantly flew into serious mode and rushed me to the car.

We got to the hospital at 4pm and I was so out of control. I was panicking, I was in agony and just wanted pain relief. When we’d arrived, we only had a student midwife in our delivery suite and she couldn’t administer any medication. Hearing this I completely freaked and told her I couldn’t do it any more. I was losing it. She immediately told me to calm down, relax my shoulders and breathe. This did help and and shortly afterwards our midwife arrived. I asked for an epidural before she’d even shut the door. She explained she’d need to examine me first and put some latex gloves on (not an appealing image). She also started running the bath for me but it must of filled up an inch when I felt the urge to push. I can only describe it as feeling enormously constipated. You suddenly get huge pressure on your bum and you just know that you need to get this baby out. I climbed up onto the bed and stayed on all fours until N was born.

I FINALLY got some gas and air when I got onto the bed – it felt like heaven. It didn’t really take the pain away but made me high enough to deal with it better. I started pushing, or I should say, my body started pushing. I had no control over it, my body pushed when it wanted to and I just went with it, grunting as and when. I didn’t feel my contractions at this point as there was so much going on but they were obviously there as I was getting this baby out. It feels like exactly what it is. Like there’s a baby coming out of your vagina. You feel stretching, obviously and the pain that comes with it but compared to the pain of the contractions combined with the thought that their actually coming out, it’s so much easier. His head started coming out and this is when the midwives tell you to slow down, little pushes. I don’t think I really listened and to be honest I had no control over what I was doing so I wasn’t great at that part. With one huge grunt from me his head was out and I could not believe it. I actually said ‘shut up’ Essex style when they told me. I was chatting away throughout the whole thing as the gas and air made me a bit loopy but I loved it. Rather that then screaming. Getting the body out literally only takes 1 push from this point but it’s a massive one. I screamed when N’s body came out of me but like that, he was born and it was all over. Or so I thought.

They slid N up the bed to me in a good few inches of bodily fluids. He pooped on his way out so he was covered in that, so was I. He wasn’t breathing strongly at first and it took a good few minutes for him to cry. They were the worst few minutes of my life. Me and J exchanged panicked looks and I don’t think I’ve ever gripped his hand so tightly. But N was fine, J cut the cord and they handed him over to him. They then told me it was the time for the placenta to come out. My reply is probably too obscene to type. I had just pushed a 9 pound baby out of me, I was done thank you very much. Of course I wasn’t. It had to come out and I had to push it. After about 20 minutes still on all fours, pretending I was pushing and still sucking madly on gas and air, they decided to move me to the toilet. Now please picture me waddling to the toilet, naked, covered in blood and poo with an umbilical cord and metal clamp dangling between my legs. Great right? I sat on the loo with a cardboard bowl below me to catch the placenta and they put N on me for some skin to skin. Eventually I thought let’s get this over with and one strong push got the placenta out of me. If your squeamish at all, don’t look at it. It’s absolutely huge and has the same look and texture of raw liver.

So that was it, it was all over. I had my baby. I climbed back into the bed I gave birth in while N had all his checks and luckily he was all OK. They then gave me an exam to see if I needed any stitches. Thankfully they let me use the gas and air whilst they did this as it is pretty uncomfortable. They prod and poke you and see what damage has been done ( they put a finger up your bum beware). I had been so lucky and got away with minor tears and no stitches. N – I am forever thankful. By the time this happens your on cloud 9 so you really won’t care what’s happened to you.

Prepare yourself for the bleeding. There is LOTS of it. My bed was absolutely soaked through and resembled something from a cheap horror movie. I’d bought Always Ultra to the hospital for the afterbirth bleeds. Ha. Always Ultra are the little leagues. You need the proper maternity pads. Take as many as you can from the hospital, they are huge and bulky but you bloody (scuse’ the pun) need them. I got through about 10 of these and 4 pairs of knickers in the 1 night I stayed in. I bled for about 3 weeks after birth so stock up!!

Thing’s to remember during labour:

  • Wait until your very limits before going to hospital, if you can still talk during a contraction, your not there yet!
  • Keep calm. Your body was designed to do this. There’s no stopping it, the baby is coming out, deal with it.
  • Breathe. Ridiculous that breathing could help such an intense pain but it really does.
  • Listen to the midwives. Even if what there saying sounds ludicrous, they do this everyday. It may help, it won’t make it any worse.
  • Do everything you want to do. If you want to take pictures take them. If you want someone to cut the cord, tell them. This is the only time you’ll give birth to this baby – make it perfect for you!
  • Pack toiletries. I forgot and washed with the antibac hand soap.
  • Pack loads of underwear, pads and clothes. You’ll probably bleed through your going home outfit before you actually go home so have back ups.
  • It’s not a fashion show. I wanted to look nice during labour, by the end of it I looked like a huge sweaty mess. You need to give it your all and if your worrying about your appearance you won’t.
  • If you want the drugs get the drugs. Don’t bloody hesitate.

If I can do it with no preperation, no clue and no hope – you’ll breeze it.




Get me a bev

So this Saturday I am heading out for a girls night. N is going to my mum’s for a sleepover which gives J a break too and I am SO excited. It’ll be nice to see my friends without talking about N the entire time, sometimes I do want adult conversations you know! N is now 10 weeks old and I feel absolutely fine leaving him for the night. He is great with other people and has been in a sleeping routine for the last week or so (this just happened through no parenting from us, yippee).

I have no idea what I’m going to wear. I’m probably going to bump into loads people I know so I want to go for something that says ‘classy mum’ but ‘I’m still alright you know’. I’ve tried on all my pre-baby clothes and they still kind of fit, a bit snug, but I feel so uncomfortable in them. Flashing some flesh was fine before but now I have a child bodycon is completely out of the question. I still have my mum tum – be prepared for your belly to resemble a water bed for the foreseeable future, unless your super mum and go back to the gym. All hail those who have the time/energy/money/gym clothes that still fit. My gym outfits currently cut into me so much I look like a stringed up piece of beef. I have started my diet today however, mainly to reduce flabby bits for Saturday night so I’ll let you know how it goes. I’ll probably have some biscuits by lunchtime. I imagine I’ll be drunk after about 2 glasses of cheap wine which is great as having a baby makes you completely skint – I’m secretly hoping everyone will buy me drinks to celebrate.

I must remember:

  • Slut drops are not appropriate when you’re a mother
  • Shots are never a good idea
  • When the club shuts it’s DEFINITELY time to go home
  • Remember you have a baby to look after tomorrow
  • Your bladder control isn’t what it used to be ( this will be the main one )





The day from hell

So this morning I took N to a ‘baby massage class’. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

I’d been invited along by a girl with a baby girl about a month older then N. Her baby is an absolute angel. She doesn’t cry, she’s quite content just sitting with her dummy, she feeds like every 4 hours and she’s slept through the night from about day dot. I’ve only met up with her once so it’s not like were chummy chummy on any level.

So we wake up, the class is at 10am so I’m frantically trying to sort me and N out in time. I gave him 2 bottles in 2 hours just to make sure he was full and happy when we started. I didn’t pack any milk as he’d eaten so much before we left and it was only an hour class. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

We get in to the class, it’s all hippy pillows, essential oils and low lighting. N goes down on his little mat and is quite happy laying there but the woman running it all doesn’t get going for a good 25 minutes. Were all filling out health forms and swapping birthing stories ( obviously I picked the mat in the far corner and mingles with no-one). Now I’m panicking. I know N can only go about 30 minutes when awake without crying for some reason or another. As I expected, as soon as put my oiled up hands on him, he starts crying. I immediately had to pick him up and jig him about whilst praying he shut up long enough to actually join in.  Of course he didn’t so really I spent the entire class with N on my lap looking at everyone else with their smiley babies listening to this woman pour on about how good this is for bonding and how much the babies love it (right..).

The class goes on, I’m thinking it’s not that bad, I can watch everyone and just do it when I get home and he’s cheered up. Then he really started crying and when I say crying I mean screaming and when I say screaming I mean a blood curdling scream that turned him into a huge red sweaty mess. Everyone is trying not to look, everyone is pretending they can still hear each other talk. It was mortifying. I’m trying to comfort him but nothing is working. By this point he was so oiled up It was like wrestling with a fish so not only was he having a meltdown, it looked like he was on a bloody slip n slide .  I literally wanted the ground to swallow me up there and then so when I hear the words ‘were done for this week’ I bolted for the stairs like a bat out of hell.

But wait! There’s more.

I’m downstairs shoving my shoes in, N’s still crying and I can’t grab my coat and baby bag all at the same time. The girl I’ve come with offers to take him for a minute and what does he do? He stops crying. Of course he does. He bloody stops crying. I’ve never got dressed so fast in all my life. I take him back as I head for the door and what happens?? HE STARTS CRYING!!! Honestly I looked like the biggest child absuser ever. This is my son. LOVE ME!!!!!!! By this point I had absolutely had enough. I practically ran towards the car and and soon as I got in the house had a complete mental breakdown. I haven’t stopped crying since and I can’t even pie the class off next week as I’ve already paid for a course of 5. Is it wrong to roofie babies?

The dreaded C word…

I absolutely LOVE christmas and everything about it. Of course your first one with your baby will be the best one yet but lets be honest, it will be completely different too. I thought I’d write a list of the annoying things that happen at Christmas when you have a new born:

  • Everyone will want to see you on the big day. You will have to referee many an argument on the run up to Christmas about where you will be. Be prepared, if you decide to see people on boxing day instead, they will instantly feel second best. To get around this you will probably spend more time on Christmas driving then you will actually enjoying yourselves.
  • You will receive about 20 baby Christmas themed outfits (cute elf, various food items, santa himself) They will all be made of horrendous velour type material and each person will insist on seeing a picture of them in it on the big day. This results in your baby wearing something nice and comfortable on Christmas day and then doing 50 outfit changes in an afternoon after Christmas to get pictures. Poor baby.
  • If people don’t buy you a seemingly hilarious outfit, they will probably buy you something emblazoned with ‘baby’s first Christmas’. This is also annoying as of course they buy it in your baby’s size (so it fits them at christmas) but you can’t then use it afterwards. Well not out the house at least.  This is also true with Christmas decorations. I love a good decoration but what is the point of giving me a ‘N’s first Christmas’ bauble on Christmas day? The tree’s coming down in a few days and next year it won’t be relevant. Wrap it up and send it to me in November.
  • People will film you opening your babies presents whilst they either snooze, cry or generally not care. You will be forced to entertain the idea by cooing ‘what have we got baby?’, ‘Oh isn’t this nice! Say thank you!’. It’s ridiculous.
  • People will try and force you to have a drink (breastfeeding permitting). Once you get that baby out, people seem to think you are desperate for a drink. Yes, you probably are but after 9 months of sobriety 1 drink is enough to send you over the egde. Add this to multiple night feeds and you really just want to avoid the whole idea of alcohol. This goes hand in hand with getting upset when you choose to leave before midnight. They seem to forget you’ve probably had about 4 hours sleep plus your looking at a night of screams as your babies snoozed through the festivities all day.
  • The whole dilemma with receiving money for babies. Do you put it in their piggy bank? Do you use it for baby supplies? Do you open a bank account at the age of 7 weeks to put it all into? Me and J are putting it in a piggy bank in N’s room for now. He’s currently more flush then we are and could probably cover our mortgage for a few months but I will not be against using it for baby supplies if we need to. It’s being spent on him, right?

All that aside, it was a lovely day. We settled with lunch at my parents then the evening with J’s. Me and J fell asleep for most of it, as we do whenever someone else is put in charge of N for a while ( you have to take these naps when you can).  J had more time off work then usual, we ate a decent meal for once, we got a break from parenting for a few hours and we got presents, for us, some of which were non baby related. Yay!

Thing’s I think on a daily basis

 Please don’t wake up

Please don’t be poo

Why are you crying?!!!!!!

The neighbours must hate me

Please don’t be a visitor

Seriously, why are you crying?!

I’ll just have some crisps

J can do it later

Please shut up

I wonder how much a Nanny is

I’ll do it when J gets home

Please don’t wake up

How can something so small produce so much puke?

Aww a smile…i love you t….. nope just sick

You must be tired by now…..

Should probably tidy up… Ooo real housewives is on

I really need to wash more

We’ll go for a walk tomorrow

Takeaway tonight?

When the fuck is J getting home?!

These all probably sound really horrible but it’s the truth. You can’t help what goes through your head, especially when you’re severely sleep deprived and angry that your partner gets to walk out of the chaos every morning. I love my N more than anything in this world but trust me, you’ll probably get through this list on day one and if you don’t, well I salute you for keeping your shit together.

Poop, poop and more poop

Always bring more wipes then you need and definitely choose the scented nappy sacks.

Awaiting N’s arrival I prepared myself for changing nappies. I’m not an overly squeamish person and felt pretty confident in my abilities to not puke on my newborn upon changing them. Changing N in hospital after birth was the first nappy I had ever changed and I got through 4 of them in 1 go. He would not stop pooping. I now know this is normal after birth but at the time it was slightly frightening. It also set me up with a very skewed view of his future poops. They get a lot smellier and weirdly brighter, considering all they drink is milk.

The first few days N was alive, changing his nappy was a 2 man operation and took about 30 minutes start to finish. It typically involved one of us gagging and stepping away for a moment (usually J), at least half a pack of wipes and a baby grow that had to be removed/possibly thrown out. We only figured out after about a week that N kept soaking his clothes because his willy was pointing upwards (how silly we didn’t think of that?). Be prepared for poo to get everywhere. Up their back, on their feet, inbetween their toes ( they seem to love to put their feet in it when you open their nappy), their belly and of course, all over their clothes. I once cut N out of his babygrow car crash victim style because I couldn’t face pulling it over his head. You try your hardest to roll their babygrow up far enough that’s it out of the danger zone but inevitably, it finds it. Also, if you have a boy, remember to hold their willy down whilst changing them or they will wee into their own faces (mouths) and probably yours. True story.

*Update* Last night N’s poo had exploded (the only explanation I can think of) and gone up his back, up his front and into his belly button. It was late at night so we ditched all hope of wiping him clean and J held him over the bath whilst I showered him off. Not our proudest parenting moment.

Square Eyes

What did cave people ever do without television? I imagine they just let there baby scream as they didn’t have neighbours who probably already thought they were terrible parents due to the noise.

Putting N infront of the TV for aslong as it satisfies him allows me to get so much done that I couldn’t without it ( peeing, sometimes brushing my hair, eating pringles and so on) It probably sounds terrible but I don’t understand what other people do? When you have a baby that needs to be entertained every second they are awake, the TV is your best friend. This is probably hugely frowned upon by baby professionals but I feel all their advice is great if you have the time or means to execute it. Tummy time, bath time, naps, feeding and walks can only take up so much time in a day! Don’t get me wrong, I sit and play with him in silly voices waving garish baby toys in front of him but after a while he loses interest (who wouldn’t). When you have a home to run, a baby to raise and not to mention keeping yourself sane, a TV to keep my baby amused is a godsend.

-If anyone judges you on this or says the god foresaken words ‘in my day’, unplug there telly and give them your baby for the day. See how they cope.

The dark nights

The dark nights are nights that will make you question your ability as a mother. They are the nights your baby won’t sleep and will scream for no other reason than to let you know they are not sleeping. They will probably make you weep and, if your like me, will make you wonder if this was all a good idea in the first place.

The first few nights of life you (hopefully) still have enough sleep stored up from before birth to get through them relatively easily. Each time they stir is a new chance to cuddle them and dare I say it, there quite enjoyable. My first ‘dark night’ happened when N was around 3 days old. The novelty of him being new had died down and now the night feeds weren’t as cute as they were. I was absolutely exhausted plus my milk had came in leaving me an agonising, weeping mess. N was stirring roughly every hour and he would not settle. I had fed him, burped him, changed him, cuddled him, left him, took his blanket off, put it back on. NOTHING was making him happy and I broke down. I was sat on the edge of my bed holding a child I had spent 9 months and 14 excruciating hours bringing into this world. I have created him. I am his source of survival at this point yet I could not comfort him. I silently cried while he screamed. I questioned absolutely everything I was doing. I questioned why I had thought I could do this. I questioned if i was cut out for this whole adventure.

But eventually he stopped. They always will and morning will always come and you’ll always have another day to get better. I laughed about the whole thing. Babies cry, that’s what they do. You get asked ‘are you ready for the sleepless nights?’ about a billion times when you are pregnant, so when they happen, don’t feel disheartened. it’s normal, your doing great, keep doing what your doing.

And if it gets really bad, wake someone else up, hand them over and get some sleep – you did just give birth after all.

Before we start

I’m not going to preach on this Blog or pretend at all that I know what’s right and wrong when raising a baby. I’m going to write about the truths of being a mum. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the gross stuff,  and the embarrassing stuff you really want to ask when your pregnant but never do. I won’t hold any punches and no topic is off limits. Every baby book I read when pregnant was written by a much older mum, usually middle class who knew a lot more than me. I’m not a writer or anything close so this is just my words, my experiences and my baby stories.

As a mum I Google everything my baby does to check if its normal. Every weird symptom, every funny poop,baby balding; I search it all. If someone else online has dealt with it, I consider it normal and stop worrying so much. Hopefully this blog will do that for a few people out there. It’s great to know that others are going through what you are and if they can deal with it, so can you.

Plus it’s a lot easier going online than out to a baby group *winces*.

Being a good pregnant person

Being pregnant is a huge deal. It’s like an open invitation for strangers to talk to you ( the horror!). When your pregnant, everyone seems to think you know exactly what’s happening, what your doing and what’s going to happen. I can’t tell you how many times people asked me ‘are you ready for the birth?’, ‘have you bought everything yet?’ and other ridiculous worrying questions to be asked when your facing the hugest life change you’ll ever go through. If your a good pregnant person you probably attended all of your midwife appointments with lots of questions, booked into antenatal classes and drew up a birthing plan with weeks to go. I did none of the above. The truth is, no. I had no idea what I was doing, what to buy or how to give birth. I was dealing with everything as it hit me and blagged my way through all the questions like I had a clue.
Of course I attended all of my appointments but I had no idea what they were doing. They test your pee, feel your belly, ask if your OK and book in the next one. Towards the end they’ll want to know that you’ve been going to antenatal classes and are fully prepared to bring a baby into the world. If your like me you’ll immediately panic at 38 weeks and attempt to book into everything possible; of course you can’t as it’s full of great mums who were prepared from day 1. I thought about the birth but my approach was very much ‘i’ll deal with it when it comes’. I even downloaded Cast Away onto my iPad. Don’t get me wrong, it all worked out. I breathed in labour and eventually a baby was born ( with not a second of Cast Away watched *sigh*) and looking back I think I would of hated antenatal classes. Sitting in a circle with other soon-to-be mums pretending a human is coming out of us and panting. What a nightmare.